Vicious Cycle

When did everything become so complicated?

I remember in elementary school it was a white piece of notebook paper that said “Will You Go Out With Me” Yes or No. Then in Junior High/High School you were either together or you weren’t. Relationships might have been a trivial 2 months BUT at least we knew, we were together or we weren’t. College was full of endless hookups and semi-long term relationships which tragically ended sometime before graduation….and then there’s the twenties.

The twenties seem to be a vicious cycle of “its complicated” relationships. We aren’t together but we are, or we are together but its ending or [insert any other twisted explanation here]. Very few people are ever “truly single” in there 20′s. In some way, shape or form, your “single actions” end up having to be explained to one  person (or people.)

Exhibit A: MY LIFE. I ended my “truly single” man fast to find myself in a pseudo-relationship. We aren’t together BUT the lines are so blurred that somehow our “exclusive dating” can easily be defined as “Hi, this is my boyfriend [insert name here]“. Whenever I get tired or frustrated and try to exercise my “semi-single” rights I always end up feeling guilty and ashamed that I am contemplating cheating on my “pseudo-boyfriend” and immediately find myself trying to reconcile whatever miniscule disagreement we found ourselves in. Should I feel bad? Technically not. But due to the vicious cycle I’ve allowed myself to fall victim to, I do.

So the question is posed-when do the idiosyncrasies of the 20′s end? (Someone please say it ends before marriage) because I am not trying to continue swirling around this confused pool of love like Carrie had to do until she finally married Big.

Between finding self, juggling priorities, and earning my place in this world, how in the hell does one break the cycle and come out on top?

Happy Wednesday…..

Three Letter Word….

Disclaimer: I am not promiscuous.

I.LOVE.SEX.

I have not had a lot of sexual partners but I have engaged in a lot of sex, enough to know that good sex is the cure for everything in my life. Sex cures-stress, bloating, pimples, illness, anxiety, attitude problems and ultimately good sex will make a woman ACT RIGHT!

So once again, I love sex. I mean honestly, who doesn’t like a good passionate romp in the bedroom. Now, because I am not a heaux, when I am not exclusively dating somebody I become celibate because sex really should be a declaration how your feelings and how much you care for your significant other. With that being said, when I am exclusively involved with a man my sex drive is that of  a 17 year old boy in the peak of puberty.

So riddle me this, why have I NOT HAD SEX. Yeah, I said it, I cannot remember the last time I felt a [insert vulgar sexual act here]. Between work, graduations, birthdays and everything else that comes in between, my time with my sig-fig (significant other) has been cut by 95%. The few times that we have been able to see each other have been spent with other people (family, friends, double dates etc.) which means the sex has been cut 100%.

I am literally pulling my hair out. I’ve gone through 2 sets of AAA batteries, I change the channel when I see a couple passionately kiss, hell, I can’t even listen to sexual songs without feeling like my vagina is going to fall out. Honestly, I cannot be the only person suffering from a seemingly non-existent sex life. Its not that the chemistry or the want isn’t there, its honestly the time that doesn’t exist.

Pray my strength, as sex-less June turns into July. Actually, pray I get some good [insert any word for a males genitals here] before July 1st so at least my relationship won’t seem so hopeless.

Hopelessly Horny on a Mundane Monday….

Pillow Talk Gone Wrong

I love sex talk. Sex without talking (or noise) is boring…who doesn’t wanna hear “just like that” or “right there” or “Oh My God”….we all like a little spice added in the bedroom.

Well, the one phrase you don’t want to say is .”I LOVE YOU” for the first time with your new boo. I swear I didn’t think Samantha & Richard’s (SATC) exchange of these 3 little words could almost become my own.

My latest sexscapade was AMAZING. Toe curling, sheet grabbing, sweaty, hot & heavy just how I like it. So of course we have the little sex-changes as usual to keep things spicy and the….he hit the spot. That spot that “Mr. Right Now” first discovered almost 3 years ago that made a single tear roll down my cheek….yeah ladies, THAT SPOT. Only this time between the emotional connection, the fantastic sex and the nyquil I said “I love…..(By this time I realized what I was about to say so I stopped myself) ummmm IT….”

So for the past 24 hours I am mulling over the fact that I have been taken to a level I’ve been trying to fight for the past couple of years…..can I possibly be in love?

Say it aint so Venus….say it aint so……

lovers & friends

“After a while, you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh” -Mr. Big

He also forgot that you want to be with the one that makes you orgasm 14 times a week….A month or so ago I wrote a post called “real life brown sugar”. Well, I got mine. After 8 years of a purely platonic friendship I have embarked upon this brand new journey in dating–dating a friend.

Its been amazing thus far…I completely and fully trust him (which I have never done before), we know each other really well (and have known each other for a long time), we truly enjoy each others companionship and ultimately we have a lot in common so we make a perfect match. Sounds to good to be true right?

Exactly, it is…There is one problem–after being friends for 8 years the transition from friendship to dating has been hard. Yes, we are both extremely attracted to each other and yes we have chemistry and when we finally have sex it is absolutely amazing, BUT the keyword is WHEN. It has been kind of hard to jump right into being super affectionate and overly touchy feely with someone that you’ve spent the past 8 years being perfectly comfortable being next to all day without once thinking about copping a feel.

It’s so ironic that usually I am begging guys I am dating to keep their hands off of me and now, I finally have a guy whose hands I wouldn’t amputate shoo away if he did reach out to put on my derriere. And on top of this new transition our extensive work schedules make us so tired that by the time we end up getting some QT is usually spent talking, sleeping or being on our blackberrys. Basically the chemistry and physical attraction has been manifested but not totally fostered.

Who would’ve thought we’d ever see the day when I, “Black Heart”, actually wants to have a physical connection with a man. Don’t get me wrong, the chemistry and the desire are definitely there, its just an extremely hard transition to go from hanging out to humping….Karma is a B*TCH!

Guess Usher & Luda didn’t realize how freaking hard it can be to transform a friend into a lover before they made that freaking song….

Happy Day Before Freedom!

Dating Purgatory….

According to Catholicism Purgatory is the condition or process of purification or temporary punishment in which the souls of those who die in a state of grace are made ready for Heaven. So basically, you aren’t going to hell but you sure as hell ain’t in Heaven yet either….

Well, despite the fact that lives purgatory is disputable, dating purgatory is DEFINITELY existent in the term “EXCLUSIVE”.

Let’s change the chart above to be as such, Earth=Single, hell=Booty Call/Jump Off relationship, Purgatory=EXCLUSIVE, and Heaven=Committed Relationship. As a single person you know exactly where you stand, you stand BY YOURSELF, you have nobody to worry about, no one to answer to, its just you by yourself. As a jump off or booty call you know what exactly what you are, you are a glorified sex toy, this is basically the equivalent of hell because at the end of the day you are exploiting yourself for sexual pleasure.

Now this is where things get shaky….after talking to Silent Scorpion of the Cereal Daters and the wiser half of the Good Wives Club, they were asking the status of me and my new beau. I was pleased to say that we were no longer casually dating and had reached the dating level of exclusivity. AND THEN my bubble was burst, What in the hell is exclusivity? It means that we are ONLY dating each other and are BASICALLY in a relationship BUT without the titles….now, until a few months ago this would’ve never bothered me HOWEVER, after my new found wisdom, I have come to realize that people are given titles for accountability. Just like someone is called the CEO and President at work, someone is called boyfriend/girlfriend and husband/wife for a reason–ACCOUNTABILITY.

For example–If I choose to be ratchet, I still feel entitled to do so. Why is this? BECAUSE TECHNICALLY I don’t have a boyfriend, and until I have a title on it I am able to do whatever I want to…right?

OF COURSE NOT…even though I TECHNICALLY am right, life and relationships NEVER function properly on technicalities. Once you get emotions involved nothing is ever black and white…its ALWAYS GRAY! Do I take advantage of my visit in purgatory or do I simply just start like I am in a relationship because that is naturally the inevitable right now?

So here I sit, in purgatory…on the verge of a relationship but not quite there. I am the mirror image of Carrie and Big circa Season 4 (Post Affair & Pre Aidan Pt. 2) Even when you overcome a challenge like COMMITMENT PHOBIA something is always bound to come up next like waiting for the commitment…the irony…

I can’t speak up on war, but I can guarantee that nothing is ever fair in love or matters of the heart…

Happy Day before its time to get Ratchet….

Down. Set. Stroke.

In football, offensively you basically have 3 counts to penetrate the defense. Down, Set, Hike. After hike if you’re offense has not penetrated through the defensive line there goes your chances of getting to your ultimate goal which is TOUCHDOWN.

Much is the same with sex. Because sex is a full contact activity I like to compare it to a full compact sport. After countless conversations with my girlfriends about sex and what we like and don’t like there is one thing that determines how the rest of the rompfest is going to go…the initial stroke.

The daddy stroke, as we have affectionately begun to call it, dictates (no pun intended) the type of man you are when it comes to sex. This, for me is the BEST part of sex, equally as important as the finished result my orgasm. If I am parting my legs for you, you sir need to come with that eye opening, toe curling, back scratching, leg quivering initial entrance into my body.

Now, I fully understand that every man has a different stroke style and yes, some are definitely better (or suit my needs) more than others but overall, if you don’t come with it on stroke 1, you are pretty much guaranteed to get a tap on the back by stroke 4 letting you know it ain’t working (true story).

So gentleman, the next time you are about to offensively penetrate a woman’s defense, be sure that you are keeping the ultimate goal in mind, ORGASM!

Happy Friday!

L-O-V-E (The Zsa Zsa Zu)

Love. A four letter that word that we tend to throw around but do we really know what it means? Its a very powerful word and if not used carefully can cause a lot of damage. This past weekend I learned a valuable lesson on what it means to “love” and “be in love.”Lets talk about what love is shall we.

In the beginning, you fall in LOVE with your partner. You anticipate their calls, want their touch, and like their idiosyncrasies in love with your partner wasn’t hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn’t have to DO anything. That’s why it’s called “falling” in love… because it’s happening TO YOU.People in love sometimes say, “I was swept off my feet.” Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something exciting just engulfed you. Falling in love is easy. It’s a passive and spontaneous experience.But after months/years of the relationship, the euphoria of love fades. It’s the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your partner’s idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your relationship, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage. At this point, you and/or your partner might start asking, “Am I with the right person?” And as you and your partner reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else.This is when relationships breakdown. People blame their partner for their unhappiness and look outside their relationship for fulfilment.But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your relationship, it lies within it. I’m not saying that you couldn’t fall in love with someone else, you could, & TEMPORARILY you’d feel better. But you’d be in the same situation months/years later.Because (listen carefully to this):THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN RELATIONSHIP IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT’S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.

SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It’ll NEVER just happen to you. You can’t “find” LASTING love. You have to “make” it day in and day out. That’s why we have the expression “the labor of love”; because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your relationship work. Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your partner) to succeed with your relationship. Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make it stronger.It’s a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. ..you can “make” love. Love in a relationship is indeed a “decision”.. .. Not just a feeling.Remember this always: “God determines who walks into our life; it is up to us to decide who we let walk away, who we let stay, and who we refuse to let go.”

Written Sincerely & Most Thoughtfully

-”MAN”

2 weeks

So, for 2 weeks I let my guard down. Its been 2 weeks since I last blogged. For 2 weeks I opened up and for 2 weeks I stepped outside of my comfort zone and enjoyed the euphoria of being engulfed by your presence. 2 weeks ago I was standing at a proverbial bus stop minding my own business and you pulled over and convinced me to go on the ride. For 2 weeks I was the person I always hoped to be embarking on a relationship. For 2 weeks I let you in my heart. For 2 weeks I’ve been debating when the time would be for me to break my fast. The last 2 weeks I’ve had a smile on my face, a song in my heart and daydreams in my head. For 2 weeks I barely recognized my own reflection because I was actually completely open with a man. For 2 weeks I considered you a person I could eventually love.

Then, at the 2 week point it took 2 minutes of talking with your ex and 2 hours of tears to make the walls of my fairy tale castle come tumbling down thanks to you. It took 2 weeks for me to fall for you but hopefully it will only take me 2 days to get over you..

Happy Monday–Black Heart is back.

I Love You, Man!

So, one of my followers on twitter (@ralphdiesel) pointed out this morning that I, in the last week, have been quite the male basher. I’m not this feminist, crazy psycho man hater who goes around snarling and complaining about every man who has done me wrong since pre-school BUT I do have my up’s & down’s with the opposite sex. But, like I do with everything else in my life, I will compile a list of the pros & cons of men.

Cons-

10. They are emotional wrecks.

9. They refuse to take responsibilty

8. They really don’t understand women

7. They usually are big babies

6. They live by and dictate double standards. 

5. They suck.

4. Usually they’re bark is bigger than their bite (in the bedroom)

3. Most of them believe chivalry is lost in translation.

2. They’re men.

1. They think with their little head and not their big head.

PROS-

1. They have a penis and that is the sole reason why women continue to deal with their bull ish.

The single fact listed above cause the pro to outweigh the cons. The fact of the matter is men have a penis and women don’t- this is the sole reason I have not become an raging lesbian feminist, and despite all of the crap SOME men put me through, its the other men out there (and their penis) that make me smile. Seriously, I love you man!

This post is dedicated to @ralphdiesel. 

real life brown sugar…

(FYI–this video doesn’t really have anything to do with this post)

Back by popular demand…(I am totally aware I have been slacking and am now back)

So…I am still on my hiatus from dating which has allowed me to see things more clearly. I am able to take in the world around me and focus on some of the things closer to me that I haven’t really noticed before.

A close guy friend of mine last week gave me the best compliment I’ve gotten in a long time.

Me: I have realized that yes I do have a few issues BUT when it boils down to it I really think I am a great catch….

Mr. Hardknock Life: You are. If I wasn’t in a relationship I would totally date you. Hell, if something happened to my girl and I, Lord forbid, I would wife you up right now.

I was so touched by this that I disregarded the fact that he used the w-word and teared up. (Yes, the Ice Queen is slowly but surely melting). He felt like I am such a great catch that he would place almost 7 years of friendship on the line to embark on a partnership with me. I was amazed seeing as how the #1 excuse for men avoiding relationships with “girl friends” is ‘I don’t wanna mess up the friendship we already have but I will sleep with you.’

Then it appeared to me, maybe I shouldn’t be so against dating a guy friend. Like I said a few posts ago, It would be the best of both worlds, and if we are truly friends, our friendship could survive a parting of ways.

So no, I have not ended the dating fast as of yet, but I will say that I have opened the pool a little wider for Mr. Future Husband because what would be better than to date someone that already knows you so well. Maybe I can have my real life “Brown Sugar” and get the buddy & the booty…

Tom Papa said it best “Marriage is not about your soul-mate, its about finding someone you can tolerate for the rest of your life and not throw up every time you think about having to sleep next to that person.”

FYI–I am NOT in love with my best friend….