Monthly Archives: January 2010

he’s back…

i’d like to think that when Maxwell wrote Bad Habits he was referring to me & YOU…not YOU but the other YOU that will most likely NEVER read this post and even if you did, you probably wouldn’t blink twice at the thought that I utterly hate you and despise the very day that you were born (probably because you know that the unfortunate love I have for you engulfs my hatred)…

When I saw the area code I KNEW…i knew it was him. I knew why he was calling. I knew that he knew I knew it was him that was calling and yet, I still answered.

The text message went as such:

Him: You aren’t answering your phone, call me.

Me: Hey…who is this? (even though I knew)

Him: Just call me now (i love when he gets frustrated, it gives me an ounce of control)

Me: Who is this? I refuse to call someone who cannot simply identify themselves…

Him: It’s ***** babe, just call me.

Me: Ugh. Fine….

I called him against my better judgement and after a hour of him begging me to go to dinner with him, I agree once again against my better judgement

after obsessing for 4 hours (he had a 4 hour plane ride to LA which made it much easier for me to beat myself up for being weak and stupid) about what I was going to wear i decided on the following: the True Religion jeans he bought me in ATL, the Christian Louboutin pumps I bought when we were NYC, the Bottega Venetta clutch he got when we were in Orlando, and the American Apparel deep v-neck shirt reminiscent of the ones he used to rip off of me during our passionate wrestling matches in the bedroom. (I decided if we were going down memory lane, he was going to merely look at me and immediately become nostalgic)

I figure the least I can do is get a fantastic dinner out of it so off to Philippe’s we go….as soon as he get’s in the car my heart begins to race. The moment he brushes the back of my neck to caress my hair reminds me of the first moment he unbuttoned my shirt…*rolling eyes at myself* I should’ve known better, I immediately should have told him to get out of my car but what did I do, I drive off with him in tow.

Him: “You just had to wear that outfit”

Me: (slyly smiling in my head) “I have no idea what you’re talking about, I just threw on what was comfortable.”

Him: “I’m glad you wore it, at least I know you still care”

Ugh….busted.

The moment we stepped into the restaurant I see a good friend and once introductions are exchanged she goes “Wait, this is *****, the *****, your ex *****. Oh wow, girl you have GOT to call me”. Great, so not only did he see right through my outfit choice BUT now he knows I obsessively talked about him to my friends…

We order & then the conversation begins. I can barely look at him without feeling like I’m going to cry or scream. I can’t let him hold my hand without feeling like I’m going to fall onto the floor…the very girl who my friends know me to despise is the very girl I become with him:vulnerable, open, mushy and a victim of hopeless unconditional love. (I hate myself)

Him: “You didn’t think I loved you but I did, and I do”

*insert uncontrollable tears falling here*

Him: “I’m moving to LA. Me & **** are completely finished because I can’t be without you. I lost my best friend, my lover, my companion…when you left I lost the one person who–”

(I immediately interruput)

Me: “When I LEFT *****? When I left? You gave me no other choice…you practically held the door open….”

i’ll let you imagine how the rest of the convo went until…fast forward about 25 minutes…

Me: “Just tell me you never loved me, you never cared, it was just sex, that our entire relationship meant nothing to you so I can move on, and finally stop comparing EVERY man to you. I’m tired of sabotaging every blossoming relationship because they aren’t you…”

Him: “I won’t tell you that because its not true. I love you, I always cared & always will. It wasn’t just sex, it was an expression of love and I don’t want you to move on. I don’t want you with someone else. Its me and only me.”

Me: “You’re so selfish-I hate you”.

Him: “I am selfish, and I love you. So say it…”

Me: “No”

Him: “Say it baby…”

Me: “No…”

The ride back to his hotel was perfect…him holding my hand, me trying to snatch it away. Him singing to me while I pretended to ignore it…him & me…me & him, just how it used to be…

I decided I could not & would not go back to his room because I already knew what would happen…when I drop him off he leans over and gives me “our kiss”. I died. He gives me one last kiss on the neck and gets out the car.

As soon as he closes the door I roll down the window…

Me: “Hey *****….I love you….

as I drove onto the freeway entrance I came to the sudden realization–he’s back…

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new beginnings?

so far 2010 has served as a year of self-realizations, growth and a reminder to never take the little things for granted.

Self Realizations:

1: I have a bad temper

2: Beyond having a bad temper I am extremely hot-headed

3: I have severe paranoia

4: I occasionally hold grudges

5: I always have to have the last word

6: I always have to make the last move

7: I don’t know how to NOT say how I feel

8: I have become incapable of being in a relationship

9: I am jaded towards men

10: I’m not the girl I used to be

In my world, I am perfect…its too bad that the world everyone else resides in is not the same as Venus. I have excused numbers 1-7 for the past 24 years and it wasn’t until I acknowledged #8, #9, & #10 that I realized I even had issues 1-7. So, the only thing a girl (of my caliber) can do is fix what has been diagnosed as broken. Personally, I hate that all of my imperfections are all intertwined and how with one comes all. Because I am hot headed, I have a bad temper and that bad temper causes me to have paranoia, hold grudges etc…(clearly you get the point w/0 me beating the dead horse)…ugh, my life seemingly sucks now that I am on a journey to become a better person. All of these people with their superficial accomplishments (ie-living up to the New Years resolutions they’ve set) looking at me to embark upon a smooth journey towards perfection. After coming to the miserable conclusion that these changes WILL NOT come overnight I am slowly but surely forgiving myself for the bumps in the road that I have already encountered over the last 25 days. 

Out of all of the numbers, 10 hurts the worst. The naive and witty yet endearing girl I once knew has now become an overly sarcastic clever woman who has lost some of her naiveté and exchanged it for a slightly humorous bitter reality checks that have stripped away some of the careless optimism  I once possessed a few years ago. The girl who once resided in this body no longer lives here and unfortunately might not ever be able to come back….so what do I do? Attempt to change or try to fall in love with the person I am today….

Growth…

In 2010 I will cuddle. In 2010 I will cuddle. In 2010 I will cuddle. In 2010 I will cuddle….okay, honestly in 2010 I will TRY to cuddle. I have every possible quality a man can ever need but I lack the one area that all men want…I’m not affectionate! And since I clearly have NOT been able to find a man that is not okay with: not holding hands, not kissing, not hugging, not cuddling etc. I have learned that if you can’t beat em then you obviously have to join them….

Little Things….

I just had an unexpected death in my family. The pain I have felt in the last 48 hours compares to NOTHING I have ever felt before in my life. Once I heard the news of the death it wasn’t the Christmas gifts, birthday parties or grand acts that I remembered it was the time we spent driving to LA and him singing to me & my sister, or the many Christmas’ we spent feeding the homeless, or just the times we spent on the couch talking when everyone else was busy stirring about. I couldn’t help but feel guilty knowing that Pop passed without EVER knowing how much I appreciated the little things he did. I am absolutely positive that he knew 100% how much I loved him but I never said “I know you’re my great uncle BUT thank you for stepping into the role of Grandpa so I never have to feel like I only have one set of grandparents” or “Thank you for always knowing how to brighten my day by simply calling me your Hunny Bunny Bear”….and because I never said it I will probably dwell on this everytime I think of my Angel on Earth, my dear & lovely great uncle.

so this brings me to 6:21pm on Monday, January 25, 2010…25 days conquered, 340 more to go on my journey to be a better person…i guess 2010 is my new beginning.

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2010

so much has happened in the last couple of weeks….here’s the update:

1) Mr. Right ended up getting into a car accident which is why he didn’t get back to me on our big night in

2) i officially cut of all ties with old beau

3) christmas was wonderful…got everything I wanted and more including 2 special days with Mr. Right which involved: movies, sleepover (2 nights), breakfast with a mutual friend, 3 great romps in the bedroom, an intimate shower and dinner (sheer perfection)

4) FANTASTIC New Years…brought it in with the Lord as always and ended up spending a great evening, Friday & Saturday morning with some close friends

Which brings us to the present….trying to become a better person in 2010

This generally is my same resolution every year…but this year its going to be different…for real this time….

1) Loose weight (stuff my face and then become anorexic)

2) Stop drinking (as much)

3) Save money (ONLY by designer items on sale)

4) Watch my temper (count to 10 before I tell people off)

5) Go to church FAITHFULLY EVERY SUNDAY (excluding Sunday’s with big games on)

and the list, along with their exceptions continues to go on…..

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