Monthly Archives: February 2010

now I lay me down to sleep…I pray the Lord Prince Charming I keep…

So last night I prayed. I pray every night but I usually pray for the well being of my loved ones (family & friends), I pray for God’s continual protection over my life and that his Angel’s continue protecting those around me. But last night I prayed for him….

AP said something to me last week that literally never totally sunk in until she mentioned again. She said that she prayed for her last boyfriend, and when he came she was everything that she prayed for AND all of the things that she didn’t pray for and wanted he lacked. So she got exactly what she wanted at the time, which led to a happy and successful relationship for about 2 and 1/2 years. However, as she grew and he stayed the same she realized that no matter how much she loved him, she forgot to pray for some additional qualities that were necessary. As she embarks on her new relationship she remembered to pray for almost everything she could think of and is yet again God has seemingly answered her prayer.

Despite the fact that we (women & men) project that certain type of person we want to attract, why don’t we go one step further beyond checking ourselves and utilize the one person that is responsible for us anyways, God. So last night I prayed, I prayed for all qualities I want in a partner. Not a boyfriend, but a partner. (Please refer to the Cereal Daters-http://ihatethewayyoueatcereal.wordpress.com and read Untitled to discover the difference between Boyfriend & a true Partner).

I ultimately believe the next man in my life will be the one sent by God…and until then I will patiently be waiting…

Happy Day 16 of my dating-cleanse/dating-fast. (otherwise known as Happy Thursday)

FYI…If you are reading this and don’t believe in God, I suggest you start.

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note to self-it is me…

I just had a particularly interesting conversation with AP…After a day at the beach with her and one of our other besties, on the car ride home they had a very in depth conversation regarding women, and their roles in relationships….

More often than not women gripe about all of their trials and tribulations with men. Now, men sometimes, for lack of a better word, are dogs…BUT like the song says-the dog ALWAYS chases the pussy Kitty Kat.

If a woman has dated NOTHING but dogs, it does not mean that there aren’t any good men, it just means that there is something that she is projecting that immediately attracts a certain type of male.

So lets pause….Venus, what type of male do you always attract? Now, I have dated what looks like a variety of men but when it boils down to it they all had one thing in common-CHARM.

I ALWAYS fall for the charm. Let me get one thing straight, game and charm are two different things. Charm is natural whereas game is learned. Charm is that natural ability to sweep a woman off her feet and wiggle your way out a situation where you KNOW you are dead wrong. Yes, as much of a tough cookie as I like to think that I am, if you have charm, I eat it up like its peaches and cream. (no pun intended)

I am not saying that this excuses some of the ratchet behavior I have encountered throughout my years of dating BUT I will say that now that I realize the quality I always seem to be a sucker for, rather than to simply fall victim or runaway from this man, I will look beyond the charm and see what is at the root of his foundation.

It is time for us as women to take our own destinies in our own hands and project ourselves to be the type of woman for the man that we want to date. It works two ways…if you are projecting that you are a ho loose yet you want a man who is strictly monogamist and the biggest cheerleader for love, what would make you think that he would want to date you when you are actually the type of woman he tries to stay away from. Just as much as women want a certain type of man, I have come to learn men want a certain type of woman.

So the next time you are taking a trip down memory lane and bashing all of the dog’s and chumps you’ve dated in your past, pause, and take a note to self…if that’s ALL of the men you date, its you.

Happy Saturday!

Note: SiSi, I am still working on the blog you proposed I do…but in the meantime….

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GUEST APPEARANCE:: post relationship-relationships

Its always a tough line to dance around — especially factoring in how long the relationship was and how it ended. Being able to separate current feelings from the comfort and habits formed during that relationship to make sense of the new situation at hand.
Let me just go ahead and say this now: YOU CAN NOT BE FRIENDS WITH YOUR EX.

Now before you stop reading because you think I’m one crazy mutha (shut yo mouth!) …let me explain.

Anytime you involve yourself in an intimate relationship, you have emotional investment. Even after a break up you are going to have feelings for that person, at the least, care about their well being. That is only natural, it is almost inhumane not to care…and that’s not even factoring in physical attraction.

Being on good terms and/or being an acquaintance is much different and slightly more detached than being a friend; especially when a new relationship is on the horizon. Maybe I see the definition, or the gravity, of words differently than some people, but these are some of the reasons why I don’t think its healthy to be friends with your Ex:

1. Respect — Respect for people and their decisions. While maintaining a line of communication is important, you must mindful of appropriate topics in which you bring up or talk about. You two are no longer involved so certain things are none of your business — no need to try to compare yourself with the current or plant seeds of malicious intent, however if you do chose to talk about the new relationship use discretion; respect the privacy of you and your partner. Respect the new relationship, respect the decisions that were made and understand your new role. If you are trying to temp each other into infidelity, why don’t/didn’t you just stay with each other to begin with?

2. Consideration — Why put yourself in a situation that would raise eye brows? Have consideration for your current partner– “my girl isn’t the jealous type, she wont mind if i go over to my ex’s pad and watch a movie and have a glass of wine”– no, it doesn’t work like that. And to top it off, that is a great way to hurt someone you supposedly care about. Have consideration for your current relationship and if you are maintaining an acquaintance know boundaries. Checking in on each other every so often to make sure you are alive and well, the family is doing well, you’re in a good place in life…cool. Calling every other week to go kick it, maybe have a few drinks…suspect. If you’ve ended your relationship, it was for a reason.

3. Progression — Learn from mistakes. Relationships are a learning experience. You take the good and expand on that. You learn from the bad and fix it for the future. There were particular reasons you ended your last relationship, remember those reasons when going into the new relationships so history doesn’t repeat. Even more importantly, if the new relationship isn’t working don’t regress and go back to the old relationship because you are blinded by JUST the good memories you had with the ex while your current situation might be out-weighted by the bad moments. You left the last relationship to progress forward, its important that you do so and not take steps back…especially because of a comfort zone or better yet, accessibility. I remember Marilyn Monroe saying something along the lines of, “Good things fall apart, so great things can fall into place.” 

Believe in yourself and your decisions. Stand by them do whats best for your star player. You always hear people say, “never put all your eggs in one basket.” Well that doesn’t apply to love. If you are going to love someone, you have to do it whole heartily for it to work. You can’t do it partially or part-time, its a conscious decision you make regardless of outcome. Invest in that new relationship, and don’t be afraid to love. If it works out — GREAT! If it doesn’t — you live, you learn, you progress. 

Now, I’ll never understand how people can say, “oh, yeah I’m good friends with my ex. We hang out all the time…its nothing, its all good.” So you’re telling me you don’t look into that persons eyes and remember nights that you may have stayed up all night talking until you feel asleep? You’re saying don’t remember intimate moments shared and all the good times that were had when you are around them? You don’t remember how you felt or how that person made you feel just from being around them…and maybe during a brief moment of, lets just say mental connection, a spark might not of come about while just “chillin”? You can completely block those out?

I know for myself, I can’t. If I’m in close proximity to someone I was once in love with…over time it would be rather easy to over look certain short comings and fall back into the same unhealthy cycle/relationship we were once in–which consequently were the same reasons why we ended the relationship. I have to remove myself from that situation — its not an immature, “I hate you, I hate your face, stay away from me” type of deal, but rather I know how I operate and I need to keep my distance in order to successfully detox. Make that transition, and build myself back up again so I can enter into a new relationship in a good state of mind, an open point of view, and an accepting willingness and understanding of knowing when to compromise, or when to hold firm. Be able to love unconditionally and be able to do so in a way that displays my growth where I’m not blinded by my past.

For you, well you pave the road to your own success: I just hope you use quality craftsmanship.

So for myself, at least, how do I move forward without untying the chain that would hold me back?

Rhythmically yours,

Internal Motive–

PLEASE VISIT Internal Motive’s Personal Blog@ www.iamrandyz.com

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breaking the friend clause…

Despite the fact that I was dead dog tired and was not able to be involved in the twitter discussion of the night (Black Men) I was pleasantly surprised this morning when Silent Scorpion reminded me of all the reasons I love black men…

11 hours ago–

Silent Scorpion: Good black men are NOT a dying breed.I have several great black male friends. I could never date them but they make women so happy. When they aren’t emotional wrecks.Etc, etc, etc. There are great black men in LA. Unfortunately they’re already my friends. Lol. And the ones that are single are single because of situations not because they aren’t good guys. The real dying breed is women who can recognize a good man instead of doing things and finding petty reasons to push them away.

Besides the fact that this Ode to Black Men was PERFECT timing (it is Black history month) it made me stop and re-evaluate something….the kind of man I want to date is like all of my guy friends: charming, handsome, intelligent, ambitious, family oriented, God-fearing, adamant sports enthusiast (this varies from male to male), college educated, wordly, self sufficient & independent, and great companions…there is only one problem–WE’RE FRIENDS.

My Catch 22–I would love to date someone just like my guy friends who possesses all of the qualities I want in a man, but beyond that, I want someone who really knows me. Someone who knows what I like and don’t like, what makes me laugh and what makes me cry…etc. The only problem is that in order to TRULY KNOW someone a relationship would first have to develop and grow over a long period of time through the formation of a friendship. However, if we become friends that puts me back at square one by adding another prominent Black Male to my list of FRIENDS!

Every guy I have dated has had a problem with the close relationship I share with my male friends and I have come to realize it had NOTHING to do with my friendship but moreover the fact that I was more compatible with my male friends then my boo at that present time. WORD TO THE BOO: MY FRIENDS AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE unless I MOVE THEM OUT….I treasure my friends because I like to think of them as an extension of my family so I would HATE to end up screwing up a friendship over a failed relationship and no matter how much I would like to hope everything would go smoothly, hope does not guarantee success…but at the same time, isn’t a relationship with someone you actually genuinely like (and love) what every girl (and guy) ultimately wants….Friends make the best lovers? Right?

What is a single gal to do? Continue to date men who I probably wouldn’t want to be friends with OR date a friend and risk gambling a person I hold so dear?

Maybe I’ll just stay single….FOREVER….

Happy Day before Friday!

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can i get a chocolate brother?

if i love men that look like this….

why do i always end up with men that look like this???

ATTENTION DARK SKIN MEN–Why don’t you love me?

WARNING–this post is very superficial…leave deepness [here]

I like dark skinned men…Correction, I LOVE DARK SKINNED MEN! the darker the better, if you’re blue black I am now confessing my unconditional love for you! It’s really getting out of control now, I mean I will literally stop, watch and pass out over a gorgeous dark skin man the same way I nearly keel over at a fresh pair of Louboutins…it’s just something about them, they just [catches breath] do something to me…

there’s only one problem….the palest, yellowest, red bone men are the ones who LOVE ME! I cannot get them to keep their green eyed yellow hand self away from me…what is it about me that makes them say, “HEY YOU! Caramel complexion, come over here so we can have some melanin-lacking kids?”

when I close my eyes I imagine this chocolate covered, rough hand Adonis caressing me, and I wake up to this smooth hand porcelain face staring back at me…

so, if you are a dark skinned brother and meet all the requirements I list in my previous 2 post RESPOND IMMEDIATELY…FYI–you need to be single too…and if you have any recommendations, feel free to recommend!

Happy Superficial Monday!

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the jumpoff always wins….

First let me make the introduction to Agent Provocateur and The Dream Killer…these two ladies are my best friends…

AP (as she likes to be called) is the more risque one out of my group of girlfriends…she always has been and always will be…she finds dudes in the most outrageous & random places and always finds a way to dominate the man in the relationship because NO MAN has ever been MAN enough to step up to the plate….trust, she has a trail of men with dropped jaws still begging her to come back…

Current Situation: Just let go of ALL 3 boo’s to start the New Year with a fresh start…there is a promising male in the mix but then again, isn’t their always?

Dream Killer is the “I’M SO OVER IT” one of the group…she, like me has all of the “wifeable” potential to the naked eye but she ABSOLUTELY DESPISES relationships…she, not intentionally, finds a way to single handedly destroy the dreams of these men who “think” she is their girlfriend until she brings them back to the harsh reality–if it ain’t official she won’t behave like it is…

Current Situation: After 6 years of this guy ACTIVELY pursuing her and in the few areas he excels (the way he treats her, his loyalty, the way he lays the pipe) he also fails (lack of ambition, no clear future, unreliable job, indecisive). She is at a Catch 22 because they are on the brink of either being gf/bf or breaking it off…he’s ready to go for it, she is ready to end it.

Now that I’ve made the introductions we can continue…

So the 3 of us had deep conversation about my previous blog and how we are utterly tired of compromising ourselves and our wants for these ultimately meaningless relationships with men…AP is hoping that this new beau really is all he is cracked up to be and Dream Killer is frustrated with her man’s lack of actually being a man, while I am slowly but surely firing members of “The Team” and will end up being Miss Solo Dolo…why is it that 3 dynamic women such as ourselves cannot find a man who has the goods to match the wonderful wrapping paper he comes in?

Our question: Why are men the following in relationships-1)clueless, 2) unwilling to fully commit, 3)can never measure up to what it means to be a true man….

Our answer: THE JUMPOFF

The phrase “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” can be attributed to this current epidemic of husbandless wifeys…only its a tad different this time around–“why buy this cow when THAT cow is giving the milk for free” or: why wife up this girl when that ho girl is not requiring a relationship…

Women, like AP, Dreamkiller and myself, pride ourselves as quality chicks. Smart, independent, classy, kind, supportive, attractive, etc. so we expect the men we are dating to come to the table with the same deck of cards in their hands as we have in ours. However, the problem comes in when another girl, lets call her Jezebel, is sitting at the other table holding some of the cards I might be holding and offering sex w/o a commitment or relationship and requires NOTHING MORE from a man than a penis who is going to win? (Please note: I know WHO SHOULD WIN [ME]) Ms. Jezebel Jumpoff in her mini-skirt, no panties on and legs spread wide open, while I, continue to sit and wait in my DVF wrap dress and tastefully sexy underwear, as man after man after man continues to admire what I have in my deck of cards but always going for the easiest choice…

So rather than continuing to let unworthy men sit down at my table and take advantage of my qualities while never offering me the qualities I need in return, I will let them walk straight over to Ms. JJ’s table because eventually Prince Charming will pass by JJ, scoff at her, and come rescue me with his handsome, 6’2, dark skin & dark eye self *pause to imagine this fine specimen* and whisk me off into the Sunset….(or at least ask me out on a date)

REALITY CHECK–Happy Day After Valentine’s Day…

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no–i won’t be your wifey….(not the valentine’s day type)

so i can admit that tonight Valentine’s Day got the best of me for about 5 minutes…as I took in my glass of moscato I almost had one single tear drop into my wine glass until I immediately came back to my senses when I saw the writings on the wall (more like heard that ratchet song).

The song Wifey by Next came on and all of my thoughts of sadness and despair flowed down my throat…over the past week i have been told about 37 times that I should be “wifed up” (this is mostly by men who have never TRIED to wife me) which I found ultimately amusing until it occured to me–Yes I may be dysfunctional in relationships BUT there is a reason…if I’m the wifey who & where is the hubby? Out of all of the men I have dated only ONE (yes ONE) was close to being hubby material and even he fell short.

Think about it, if you knew you weren’t going to get paid for the work you do at your job would you still work as hard? Hell, would you even show up? For the majority of people this answer is a definite NO. So my thing is this, ultimately a relationship is work–if I am doing all the work and not getting anything in return WHY would I continue to work for free?

In my relationships I am #1-Supportive. Baby you have a dream, lets follow it. I will support you and your dream till the wheels fall off. I will be there to help build the foundation with you, I will be sure to always stand by your side, hold up your head when it falls down and be the one helping correct the mess you made.

#2-Homemaker-If you read Play House you know it is the highlight of my day to see my man happy. I love cooking for him, cleaning for him, making sure his house is in order. I love being Wonder Woman by day and Suzy Homemaker by night.

#3- Submissive. Because I am a Christian AND have southern roots I believe in allowing the man to be a MAN. I want a man who takes charge and proudly leads me and our relationship. I would love to be the damsel in distress so my knight in shining armor can come rescue me and take care of everything.

#4-A Friend. I am indefinitely a friend to my man. Lets watch sports center and go to the batting cages. I want to joke around and wrestle with you. I want to be able to be the person who can make you smile and wipe your tears away. I want to be your confidant and the person you depend on the most.

Awwwww how sweet and wonderful…everything is just puppies and roses right? HELL NO! Because I cannot find a man who can be: A friend, A real man, Provider, Trailblazer and A Lover. Is this too much to ask? Clearly it is because I have yet to be courted by a man who has all of the qualities I want. So that brings me to my epiphany, Why in the hell would I want to have someone on Valentine’s that I would only end up being incredibly disappointed in a few months from now, but I would try to suck it up for a few years only to become completely disinterested and eventually we end up in a split. THE ANSWER IS: I don’t! I can do BAD ALL BY MYSELF…so instead of playing wifey to all of these men I will be wifey to the one person who will support me the most until Prince Charming-myself.

I will not cry on Valentine’s Day. I will no longer entertain involve myself with men who I know can’t give me what I want.

F Valentine’s Day. F men. F the men I am dating now. F all the men who say I’m wifeable. F YOU!

and on that note…Happy Valentine’s Day.

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